Leaving the Innocence of Family Love

This post originally appeared on BlogHer in February 2009.  Thankfully, Dova has outgrown the Disney princess cult since then.

When my daughter was born, my then three-year-old son assumed that he was going to marry her.  It was a sweet notion, which someday we would have to dispel.  As my daughter grew and started talking, she also claimed that she was going to marry her brother.  My husband and I were extremely grateful that they got along so well and didn't take the route of fighting and squabbling.  But when do we break this bubble for them?

I remember talking about life in general with my son when he was five.  I told him that he would probably go away for college and then move away from home and have his own family some day.  The thought of leaving home disturbed him greatly.  His sense of security comes from knowing that his family will always be there for him.  As a parent, I desperately want to hold on to these days when our children still need us and adore us.  I know only too well that the inevitable teenage years will be here before we know it.  Where parents suddenly don't know anything, don't understand them, and are totally not cool to hang around with.

I finally had the conversation with my son about not being able to marry his sister when he was seven.  I took the scientific tack of the maintaining genetic variation as he tends to be very factual.  Being a total boy, he was fascinated with the types of birth defects that could occur.  After steering the conversation back to not marrying his sister, he took it in stride and said, "That's OK, I have lots of other girlfriends."  As he has no secrets from his sister, he broke the news to her that if they got married and had babies, the babies would have no arms, or eyeballs, or anything else that would get a laugh out of her.

But now that he someday has to search for love outside of our family, what will I tell him about relationships and marriage?  At this point, the best thing I can do is to show him what a good marriage is.  That a good marriage is built on not just love, but honesty, trust and respect.  We always remind our kids that even though we sometimes get mad at them, we always love them.  The same goes for our marriage.  Just because we sometimes argue, we still love each other.

Our now five-year-old daughter is completely caught up in the Disney princess cult and is always staging weddings for herself as well as her dolls and stuffed animals.  This is OK to a point, but Ladyblog explores when the princess fantasy goes too far.  It will be much harder to bring her down to the reality of relationships after this foray into princess fantasy land.  The Disney movies have gotten better at portraying strong women, but they always end with the happily ever after wedding.  She'll have to learn that the wedding is only the beginning of the journey.

Most importantly, we hope that providing the safety and sanctuary of family love will give them a strong foundation for future relationships.  Sure, our family isn't perfect, but neither is any relationship.  Hopefully, they will learn that relationships, like families, are all different but can be full of love, fulfillment, laughter and fun.

A Day at the Beach

I've always loved the beach.  The sun, the salt water, the waves.  But I could do without the traffic and hoards of people.  I grew up on Long Island, where we had pebbly beaches on the north shore and sandy beaches on the south shore but with fierce waves.  In Massachusetts, I have enjoyed Horseneck beach in Westport for many years, but it is a 2+ hour drive from where I live near the New Hampshire border.  We've also gone to the beaches in York, Maine while visiting my in-laws.  The water is always freezing cold and there is the dreaded Hampton toll to get through (although now with the high speed EZ-Pass lanes, traffic has been much better this year).

A couple years ago, I went on a quest with Dova to find a closer beach with less traffic and crowds.  I headed north on 495 and got off as soon as I saw a sign for "Beaches".  I ended up on Rt. 286 and turned right when I hit the shore.  I discovered beach heaven.


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The beach is in Salisbury MA, but further north from the official beach.  I've always been able to find a parking spot along the road, near a public beach access walkway.  There are no lifeguards or facilities, but miles of pristine sand, clear waters and perfect-sized waves.  The water is so clear that I've often seen schools of shiny green minnows swim around my feet when I'm waist deep (the one thing that I've never been able to successfully photograph).  Most of all, the kids love it.  We've had many beach fiasco days, but never when we go to this beach.  Here are photos from the Fourth of July, a perfect holiday activity.

$100 BlogHer Question of the Day - Would You Swap Places with Your Partner?

I'm honored to be the $100 BlogHer Question of the Day. If you haven't checked it out yet, just hop over the BlogHer, answer the question (there's a new one every day), you'll be entered to win $100 in cool cash.

My question was, "Have you ever thought about how your life would be if you swapped places with your spouse or significant other?"

The answers are quite interesting so far. I would say that 95% of people say "No way!" and there is a small segment that would love to swap places or try for a day.  Some responses hinge upon roles and responsibilities and some hinge on gender.  Here are some great responses that made me laugh out loud.

Hubby and I actually work together doing the same job, so switching there wouldn't be so hard. However, he has to put up with ME and I could never tolerate that.

...see what it is like to live like a man with all that testosterone.

And this response was so touching.

My final partner I met late in life and he was the soul mate I waited so long for, he was an award winning writer and I would not have traded places with him because I loved being his partner and being awed by his intellect, his compassion for others, his empathy with the world's underprivaleged which stemmed from his own poor childhood from which he worked himself up to a DLitt. He died suddenly and way to soon but I am so happy to have had him for the 4 years we were together and would wish every woman could have had such an experience.

I'm so glad this question brought out this response.  What a beautiful relationship.

Here's my response.  I would definitely like to swap temporarily for a week or a month.  In the small crowd of yes comments, many of them had stay-at-home husbands which is the situation we fall into.  I've never had the chance to be with my kids full time outside of maternity leave.  I'm sure the situation would fall apart quickly because I'm way too much of a control freak.  But I love the thought of planning fun-filled summer days with them and six hours of quiet to myself while they are in school.  My hubby is currently looking to get back to work, but it would have to be his kind of work and not mine.  He would be flummoxed with my software code!  When I wrote the question, I was mainly thinking about roles and responsibilities.  But after reading the comments about gender, I definitely would want to try swapping so I could be male.  I have had dreams that I've been a male and it was very interesting... (don't get me wrong, these dreams have been very rare!).

For your chance to win, head over the BlogHer to answer the question of the day.

WW - Peace Child

I lent Dova my new peace symbol necklace to go with her new peace symbol shirt. Wearing tie dye shirts recently made me hanker for a nice peace symbol necklace from the seventies.  Luckily, eBay is always available to quickly satisfy those cheap whims.  So what's peace child to do?  Commune with nature of course.



Here is my love child picking raspberries from our yard.



And eat them straight from the vine.  Since we do nothing for pest control or even fertilizer, they are completely organic is every way.  I've taken to call her moon child (and sometimes Moon Unit) every time she wears this shirt.  It fits her perfectly.

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One of a Kind – Daniel Spirer Custom Jewelry

Back when I was single, I remember perusing the Boston Globe Magazine and eyeing the beautiful custom jewelry.  Someday, I thought, someday.  When my now husband was contemplating getting engaged, I immediately mentioned Spirer –Somes Jewelers (now Daniel R. Spirer Jewelers).  Doug knows that I am too much of a planner to accept a surprise proposal with a surprise ring.  Same with my pregnancies, there will be no surprise announcement of the baby’s sex at the time of birth!

As with my kid’s names, I had specific requirements for my ring.  No prongs to get caught on things!  I wanted a smooth bezel mount.  Then I saw this ring.

 

Actually it was a ring with three diamonds similar to the one shown on the top of this photo.

Image from Daniel R. Spirer Jewelers gallery.

There was no need for Doug to go broke, so we opted for beautiful medium blue sapphires to flank the diamond.  That also made this ring completely unique.  No one else has a ring exactly like it.  The only thing was, each stone had 6 prongs for a total of 18 prongs!  So much for my no prong rule.  Since then, I have realized that a prong mount allows for light to come through the bottom of the stone, allowing it to sparkle from within.  I do get my ring caught on things every so often, but it is well worth the beauty of the ring.  I still regularly get compliments on it nearly 12 years later.

And true to form when it comes to rules, when we named Adam, I had to throw out my rule of “no biblical names”.  We picked the most biblical one of all!  And without Daniel’s mis-writing of Doug’s name, we wouldn’t have had the name Dova at all.

After a few years, Doug and I went back to Spirer-Somes and picked out this ring for Mother’s Day.  It is very similar to my wedding ring, except it is a sapphire flanked by two diamonds in bezel mounts.

I finally had my bezel mount ring.  They make a very nice complementary pair.  If you’re ever in the market for beautiful unique jewelry check out Daniel R. Spirer Jewelers in Cambridge, MA or at his website.  He’s quite a character and has a blog as well.

Note:  This post was definitely not sponsored as Doug spent the really big bucks for these beautiful rings.  Photos were taken with my Canon Rebel XTi with a 50mm lens and 25mm extension tube.

Little Girl, Big MIT

When Adam was 6 years old, I sent him for a day of kid's activities at MIT for my 20th reunion.  I didn't attend myself because Dova was only 3 years old and I didn't want to get full days of babysitting.  It turns out that MIT reunions are quite family friendly and have many family friendly activities even for young ones.  I remember thinking that Adam was such a big kid at 6 years old and it was time to start brainwashing him into thinking that MIT was the best and only place to attend college. He loved it of course and has followed hook, line, and sinker into thinking that he should be going to MIT.  This year, I had the opportunity to meet up with a friend having his 25th reunion, so I brought Dova along.  She looked so little against the big architecture of the ‘tute.

 

Dova outside of Lobby 7 under a massive column.

 

Under the windows to the entrance of Lobby 7.

  

Against a vast wall.

In the infinite corridor (3rd floor).

Even though she is the same age as when I first brought Adam to MIT, I still think of her as a baby.  Apparently she is no longer running around at my knees, but she is getting quite tall!  Here we are on the third floor of Lobby 7 against the top of one of the columns.

   

And according to plan, she has also been brainwashed into thinking that she too should be going to MIT.  Excellent!

Live to Chat, Chat to Live

Adam with his mop top.

The first time I chatted with someone on a computer was over Unix talk in the mid 1980's.  It was really cool, but invariably with someone within close proximity (think huge terminal lab at MIT), so it was more of a novelty than anything.  It wasn't until the late 1990's when a co-op student showed me AOL Instant Messenger at work.  He used it to chat with his friends from school.  Soon, most of my friends and I were on it as well (I was the pioneer pushing it onto many skeptics).  A technological communications door that I always had imagined had just been opened.  Not as disruptive as a phone call and not as slow as email.

Instant messaging was used so prevalently at my last job, it was perfect for tele-commuting because people didn't know whether they were chatting with someone in the next cube or at home.  When I started at my current job, IM simply wasn't allowed.  I did it on the sly with my old friends but slowly, all the ports for AIM and MSN Messenger were closed down.  The only thing left is Skype now.  There is corporate IM for work, which is helpful, but not used to the degree that I had in my previous job.

When Adam was born, I couldn't wait until he was old enough to use the computer so I could chat him from work.  Maybe by age 6, I thought.  But as he got older, I became more and more wary of subjecting him to the good and evils of the internet.  I have yet to give him an email address to spare him the pain of spam. He does not need to know about penis enhancements and Nigeria!  Besides, he needs to learn how to talk properly with his friends on the phone first.  But on the computer, he has fallen into the world of online video games which he plays with his friends, real and virtual.

Yesterday, for the first time at age 9 1/2, I installed Skype on his computer and we finally had our long awaited chat.  I enjoyed it immensely. (Screenshot edited slightly for clarity and privacy.)



I was impressed by his nearly perfect spelling and punctuation.  I broke him in with my casual IM way.  Since I always refer to him with the (emo) emoticon to Doug, I had to share it with Adam.

Me:  this is you

Adam (later):  you are

He is still the sweetest boy ever, even on chat. Does my heart good.

WW - Wind in her hair

While we were parked one day, Dova decided to pose on the back deck of my car.







What a lounge lizard!

Part of the reason I wanted a convertible was to feel the freedom of the wind in my hair.  I love throwing my arms up in the air while I'm driving.  But sitting on the back deck reminds me off two movies with awesome convertible scenes.

First Terms of Endearment with Jack Nicholson.  I didn't care for the movie, but there is one scene I love where Jack is driving on the beach, sitting on the roof of a 1978 Corvette, steering with his feet.


Image from Alert the Media.


"Wind in the hair.  Lead in the pencil.  Feet controlling the universe.  Free love at the helm."

The movie clip is awesome if you haven't seen it.

And then there is Thelma and Louise.  The movie would not be the same without the Thunderbird convertible.


Image from StarPulse.


Image from here.

I will not be trying either of these stunts with my car! 

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